I opened yesterday’s mail this morning. Note to self – DON’T do that again before morning meditation and prayers…and coffee!
I received all of the paperwork from my separation. COBRA decisions…life insurance…401K rollover. The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices. But, it’s still overwhelming. How do families with kids do this? My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts — I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go. Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do? All these decisions to make – such little time – and no income. It could be paralyzing. Some days it is – I didn’t get out of bed on Monday. (Note the gap in journal entries!) But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today…and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace…I can make it. God didn’t bring me THIS far to abandon me!
I’m reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!) “If you’re not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work – we will gladly refund your misery.” Yep, it’s the 30-day misery back guarantee. At any point, I can choose to go back to the using – the drinking – the escape – the numbness. And at any point, I know what that will bring…isolation, depression, misery, despair. Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction. For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom. Is that what I want to return to? Really?
Thankfully, no. Despite the overwhelming feelings at times — the tough choices — the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today — I know that each and every day of sobriety I’ve enjoyed has been far better than any day of using. Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction. And for that, I’m grateful.
I’ll let that misery back guarantee expire. There is no turning back.