I know that every step in my recovery — even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction — happened for a reason. The prayer I’ve learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.
This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today. I’ve been working my butt off to reach that goal. I’m thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help – for the humilty of admitting I can’t do it by myself – and for the ability to realize things don’t have to be perfect. Because of all of that – I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it. I’m grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work — but creating memories and enjoying fellowship. What a blessing.
In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that’s ok because I’m not in control – a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility. And I still believe he is. But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away. Thankfully, I am not responsible – it’s out of my hands. I just keep him in my prayers.
And then, I’m getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven’t seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn’t know if I could find meth out where they live. And I couldn’t be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I’m overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I’m reconnected, I realize now that it’s a huge emotional event. I’m excited, but I’m scared; I’m grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I’m not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.
Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I’m at my sister’s. I know I’m scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her…I said things that I shouldn’t have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It’s hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.
I was so busy getting ready that I wasn’t processing much on my heart – though I’ve been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down. I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.
I got into that room…and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa. And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart. “We got into recovery, and things are going great. Then reality sets in. Life is still life — we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick.” That’s me! But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen…opened my heart up to the healing that was needed…and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on. But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn’t really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face. And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me – to give me what I needed.
I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting. One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said “You know, CT…the best part is you don’t have to drink or drug.” And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It’s a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet…to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging…by the grace of God.
If life there are no coinkidinks…just an abundance of miracles.