Sleepless in Recovery


Here we are again.

Can’t fall asleep. Can’t get comfortable. Tossing and turning, I end up with few hours of deep rest. I get edgy and have mood swings during the day. Fun stuff. Recovery.

Oft times I blame the late evening coffee at meetings. Or the fact that I’m sleeping in a strange bed, not mine…in a house that’s not mine…alone without my dogs…alone.

But after a couple nights of false accusations against Folgers, I remember what’s going on.

The feelings are back. 14 days clean. They’re here!

Reality is edging back as the numbing stops, the escaping ceases.

It’s good. I don’t have to run. I don’t have to use no matter what.

But it still hurts.

I can admit that.

I’m not going to be swept over by so much bottled up pain and emotion.

My god is bigger than that.

I just need to stay in the pain long enough to work through it. Long enough to find healing.

I’m not alone.

It just feels that way. Right now.

No cake. No hugs. No smiles.

Just me.

The darkness. The tears. The bad dreams. Waking up in tears sobbing–sometimes remembering the dream, more often not. Waking up in a hot sweat.

I know I don’t have to use
I know I don’t have to use
I know I don’t have to use

I want to

But I don’t have to.
I don’t want to. That’s not me.
That’s the addiction.
That’s the pain.

They didn’t promise it would be easy.
They didn’t promise it wouldn’t hurt.
They just told me I never have to use again.

As much as I want the sex.
The cute boys.
The high.
The meth.

I want life more.
The outer circle.
The nephews and niece.
The playtime on the swings
Or in the pool.

Its worth it
I know

It just hurts right now.

And I’m alone.
Not really.
It just feels that way.

I don’t have to use.
Men.
Alcohol.
Drugs.
Sex.

Just for today.

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Published by

ctfuqua

At 42, my life is in transition. I have always been a “glass half full” sort of guy. Now more than ever I see life as full of possibilities and the world full of beautiful people possessing unique and often untapped talents. I’m a learner and connector, seeking ways to leverage the abundance in this world through strong community.

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