They tell me in the rooms that I need to be aware of getting too H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely or T-ired. For this addict, I’ll throw in an extra H-orny or A-roused. (Just being honest!) The point is – those can be sounds of my addiction – my mental obsession – starting to chip away at my defenses.
Today, I noticed all 4 building up. I coined the term for myself, the “Hangman H-A-L-T.” If I let them all “be named” without using my tools of recovery, I could end up hanged.
I was finding myself down – wanting to sleep – not wanting to talk to anyone. Naps can be good – but naps can also be an escape. I’m told the ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean. Today, I was drifting into self-pity, fear and loneliness. Danger Will Robinson – Danger!
This time I’m trying to act differently – one day at a time. I’m trying to apply the tools of recovery sooner – despite how I feel. The specific situations that got me to Hangman are somewhat irrelevant here. The point is – what did I do?
I am blessed today. I’m applying the tools I’ve learned today. It’s making a difference.
I called my sponsor. Talking through things, I realized some self-denial about how I was feeling. There are some big changes going on – some milestones coming up. And while I’ve made a lot of progress on my self-confidence and self-esteem by putting together a couple “next right things,” I still struggle with it under stress. I still worry what people think of me – wanting to please everyone. That’s impossible. That’s insanity.
But, today, I got some help. “Read literature” – specifically it was suggested that I read What Can I Do? from my basic text. I did. And it was like reading it for the first time. Words jumped out at me. It resonated with me on a new level tonight. It challenged me, and kicked my butt.
It was suggested I get out of myself and make plans with some other friends. I shoveled the walk for my roommate. And made plans for next Saturday.
Thanks G. for listening. My funk has lifted…for today. I didn’t have to run from my feelings. They are passing. And, they will probably come back That’s life…on life’s terms. No matter what, I don’t have to use — people, places or things.
Snowed in from a meeting – but still grateful in my heart.