“We may fear that being in touch with our feelings will trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic. When we ignore our feelings, the tension becomes too much for us.”
Tonight at Homegroup, this was in our reading. I’ve written here before I believe that this has been part of my struggle in the past year — facing feelings, learning to name them, learning to live through them. I need to admit I’m powerless over my feelings – but not run from them, numb them with using people, places or things. When feeling them became too much in the past during my recovery, and I didn’t TALK about it, and ask for help, I found myself in relapse.
So today, I got in touch with those feelings.
I’m feeling sad because I’m on house arrest. I’m scared as I work on launching my new business because this is all new to me. I’m second guessing myself about my choices to pursue this angle vs. putting more energy and effort into finding a regular job – did I give up too quickly? That uncertainty is creating anxiety and fear. I’m sad because a newcomer has stopped returning texts and I’m wondering if he has gone back out. I’m angry about my last relapse – neither the high nor the guy were worth the pain and consequences I’m experiencing now. I’m angry that I put people on pedestals and they let me down. I’m angry that someone I respect and started to get close to is angry with me, ignores me and is rejecting me. I’m sad at losing that friendship. I’m not used to getting close enough to someone to CARE if I lose a friendship — so this is new for me. I’m mad that I didn’t live up to my own standards around confidentiality and gossip. I’m angry that others with more experience in the rooms did the same and implicitly gave me permission to do so when it went against my values and what’s important to me. I’m overwhelmed with deadlines and commitments – to move, to submit a business plan, to complete work for clients. It’s been a year since I’ve had to worry about that – because I’ve been focused solely on recovery, or relapse. Living in society is frustrating. I’m glad to be back in it, but scared and mad and sad. I’m scared of moving, afraid to ask for help, overwhelmed by what I need to complete, scared of what I don’t know I need to do because I’ve never moved myself.
And feeling all this is overwhelming. It caught up with me today. And I am blue.
But, I told people I’m blue. I was honest and open.
I talked about my sadness, anger, fear, disappointment at Homegroup. I cried. I don’t like to cry, but for now, it’s what happens when I feel — and I just need to live through it. It feels at times like the floodgates will rush open and 30+ years of sadness, loss, anger, grief, resentment, etc. will rush forward and overwhelm me. I want to run.
But I can’t afford to. When I run, I use. When I use, I die.
I know that this too will pass. I know this is healthy. I know this is new. I know my Higher Power is bigger than my feelings and fear, and has taken care of me thus far. He didn’t save me from drowning in the ocean only to let me die on the beach.
I know I’ll be ok.
Just for today.
And I don’t have to pick up no matter what. I don’t have to use today.
- The Suppression of Emotion: Absolute Violation of Basic Human Rights (socyberty.com)
- What Is Anticipatory Anxiety? (everydayhealth.com)
- Why Do We Feel Pain? (everydayhealth.com)