Well, hopefully it’s been right-sized – or in the process of being right-sized!
I continue to be at peace around my decision to either slow down or put on hold plans to start my own business, in favor of taking a position with a software company. I’m realizing how much of my self was already being wrapped up in it albeit subtly. With a history of finding my identity in my work, this is a way of thinking that I need to relearn. That takes time and practice. With this job, I’ll have time and energy to focus on my continued growth, strengthening my foundation of recovery. The wider the foundation, the higher the point of freedom.
A fellow addict shared in a meeting today that after years of sobriety, he had relapsed – and fallen hard. He was coming back into treatment and recovery after being out for several months. He talked about how part of his downfall was he “thought he had arrived.” His ego had landed, too! In his thinking he started to take his will back. As he did so, it became easier to justify not going to meetings – and not calling his friends in recovery. And one thing led to another, and he was out using again. He shared how important it was for him to have learned the need for to stay connected spiritually, constantly seeking his higher power‘s will.
His sharing seemed to underscore for me the wisdom in my recent choice – wisdom that was quite honestly not my own. I realize now that when my sponsor had first shared his concerns about me starting a business this early in recovery, I downplayed them. I even took his advice and asked others in recovery who knew me well. I latched on to one individual who supported me, using that to discount my sponsor’s input. Dangerous ground, I’m realizing now. I could see the “higher road” — but wanted the road I was on. It didn’t necessarily feel like an easy road…but it was one I clung to dearly.
Granted – lest I’m too hard on myself or start to second guess everything going on right now – I did not have any other options. There were no interviews of job offers. Were my searches robust…not consistently. But when the options DID come forward recently, I prayed to my higher power and sought guidance from others. I tried to remain open-minded and willing. When I realized that I really was grasping the rice pretty hard…the lessons started to unfold for me.
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. — Niklaus Wirth
Learning to be open.
Learning to accept.
Learning to keep my ego in check.
Learning to be honest – with myself first and foremost.