My heartfelt and heartbroken, confused dedication to John.


Whenever I play this song, which I heard Cher sing in concert, I think of you. Sometimes there is still anger, and often there is confusion and always lack of closure. And I still sometimes get sad… But these are the words meant for you, from me…from my heart.

I still care for you and wish you the best. I hope you find what you’re looking for…

For John Andrew Bodine

These clouds aren’t going nowhere darling,
Rain keeps coming down.
I just thought I’d try to call you,
‘fore you got too far outta town.

And I hope that you get this message that I’m leaving for you.
‘Cause I hate that you left without hearing the words that I needed you to…

I hope you find it, what you’re looking for.
I hope it’s everything you dreamed your life could be and so much more…
And I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.
I wanted you to know that.
And nothing’s gonna change that.
I hope you find it.

Am I supposed to hang around and wait forever?
That’s the words I said.
But that was nothing but a broken heart talking, darling.
You know it wasn’t what I meant.
Call me up, let me know that you got this message that I’m leaving for you.
‘Cause I hate that you left without hearing the words I needed you to…

Whatever it is I have that you were missing here…
I hope you find it, what you’re looking for.
I hope it’s everything you dreamed your life could be and so much more…
And I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.
I wanted you to know that.
And nothing’s gonna change that.

I hope you find it…

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Published by

ctfuqua

At 42, my life is in transition. I have always been a “glass half full” sort of guy. Now more than ever I see life as full of possibilities and the world full of beautiful people possessing unique and often untapped talents. I’m a learner and connector, seeking ways to leverage the abundance in this world through strong community.

2 thoughts on “My heartfelt and heartbroken, confused dedication to John.”

  1. It is possible to still care for someone, yet hold them accountable for their actions. So I can process my feelings and “grief” over a lost relationship, wishing someone well as they continue their path in life…while still actively supporting the police’s efforts to catch them and question them about their involvement in robbing me…and gladly support sending them to jail for it. Sorry to the person who couldn’t get that mature, balanced mix of emotional repertoire.

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  2. Reblogged this on ctrecoveryjourney and commented:

    What a difference a year makes. Life has given me a chance to create new memories of leaving town, celebrating my birthday, and returning home. I was blessed to be able to do this surrounded by love, light, authenticity at Playthink 2015 with my fiancé Brandon, several hundred kindred flow artists in a sacred and holy place and space in Berea, Kentucky. I returned home to an intact house, well maintained by a trusted friend Jonathan who took care of our home and our dogs as one would like and expect, unlike John Bodine and Drupy a year ago. Thank you for this gift, Brandon and friends.

    At morning welcome circle yesterday, I shared with the circle it was my birthday. They sang Happy birthday to me and invited me to the center of the circle. I shared with them briefly of my experience just a year before, returning from a family cruise and birthday celebration to a destroyed house, stolen credit cards and stolen jewelry which has never been recovered and was not covered by renter’s insurance. I shared how important it was to be able to recreate new experiences and memories from the weekend and the return home, and Spirit and Place honored my request. The group gave me a group hug and the rest of the day, I was greeted with more love and loving greetings than a single person should be allowed on his birthday…and for that I was grateful. Thank you.

    Returning home and re-entering routine life is always a transition that takes its toll on my emotions. I still would never give up the experience of travel. The goal is simply to minimize the collateral damage… I’m sorry for hurting someone already with my emotionally charged words, but I know you know this came from my own pain, disappointment and hurt. I’m sorry I was selfishly wrapped up in my own emotionally high to have missed your request for peace and quiet. Life happens, and we continue to love and forgive as we do.

    You complete me. Thank you for me geode, and for being my circle of life, my rainbow.

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