I’m grateful to be “on the other side” of a valley — but as is sometimes the case with my loud mouth and unfiltered comments, I have some damage control to do – “taking ownership for my sh**” as they say.
Or as one Christmas sign says, “Santa, I have some ‘splaining to do…”
It’s clear you’re upset about some things Todd, and I’m so sorry..however, you just managed to insult a whole lot of people in one fell swoop
I’ll lead off by saying that none of these words “justify” my actions or behavior over the last month, and in particular the last week. There is damage that has been done to some relationships, which will possibly linger “under the surface” for quite some time.
For those who know me, and know my battle with addiction and mental illness (depression, mood swings, etc), some of this will be easier to understand. For some who don’t know me or my journey to “get here,” it may not even come close to explaining my actions and behavior. I understand that – I simply ask for as much compassion and tolerance as you’re able to offer. And I’ll live with the consequences…because that’s part of taking responsibility and owning “my sh**.”
This year, life continues to happen – even with some of the grounding and framing I set out for 2015 in my “brand” and personal intentions for 2.015.
While I don’t want to go through all of what has been going on “behind the scenes” per se, suffice to say that continuing to look for part-time employment and considering a move to North Carolina in 2015 have brought me face-to-face with some of my demons and some of my past (many of which I’ve written about on my blog here before…)
Personal events in 2009 and 2010 have fundamentally changed my path in life, and either closed some doors permanently or is keeping them closed for several more years… And while none of the information is new, facing the topics and roadblocks again is hard…and sparks off some grieving and a range of feelings from anger, to sadness, to resentment… And, I sometimes let those flow over into comments and actions that have hurt others (as the quote above says!)
Of course, having our timelines for the move to NC change again (probably not until 2016!) set off another set of reactions and feelings – and grieving…
And, then last week, a friend that I used to run around with in my using days passed away from heart failure at the age of 23. A couple people in my life knew about this, but not many…so that was working in the background, bringing about its own feelings, grieving, regrets, self-loathing and fear. So young…
Lastly, an individual who robbed me last year and has been “AWOL” / missing for a year suddenly contacted me because he was “embarrassed” that I had posted about the burglary / house invasion. That resurfaced some of the pain of that trauma…
As I’ve shared before, like most people, I’m trying my best, with good intentions – but am imperfect and will fall short sometimes. So, if I’ve said or done something recently that hurt you – I’m truly sorry. I’ve tried to “clean up” some of the damage that was posted to Facebook or the web – and as importantly, focused on personal apologies and conversations where the pain / damage was perhaps greatest. And, I need to “regroup” and get back to better managing my issues and shit, such that they don’t “come out” in such ugly ways. It’s a life-long process for me…so I’m doing my best, and try to patient and compassionate with myself (and others!) along the journey.
With some exceptions, I rarely intentionally hurt others – but when I do (intentionally or unintentionally!), where I’m aware, I do endeavor to go back and make amends. So, if I’ve hurt you and we still need to clear the air, even after this post, please let me know. Of course, as I aspire to as much as I can (and will still fail!), please express your unmet needs and valid feelings in an objective manner that allows me to hear and receive your feedback. Silence is by far the worst of all choices. Passive-aggressive behavior I can work through; silence robs us both of a growth experience and an ability to connect.