On the lam (not really, but got your attention!)

A consequence of my last relapse is a probation violation – I failed a urine test from my last PO meeting.  As a result, the judge wants to have a chat with me.  Of course, when judges want to chat, they don’t just use GoogleCalendar or LotusNotes to setup a meeting.  They do this “issue a warrant for your arrest” thing.  Go figure 😉

Tomorrow, I head to Greenfield and turn myself in for the warrant related to my violation.  (I’m SO disappointed they didn’t post my picture on the web this time!)  My lawyer will file a motion right away for a hearing to set bail.  Given the time of day, and not knowing how busy the judge’s schedule will be, I’m anticipating that I will likely spend at least one night in jail (best case) — and realistically, it could be two or three nights before we get the hearing and I can then post bail.  I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic to be best prepared.  That’s one thing they’ve told me in recovery – watch your expectations!

All in all, I fully accept that I’m here — and my resolve to put my learnings to work is stronger than ever.


What have I learned?

  • Don’t pick up – no matter what
  • Complete honesty with myself and others about feelings & actions – ask for help (can’t be therapist AND patient!)
  • Daily acceptance and surrender of all my addictive tendencies
  • Easy does it
  • Stay focused on today (not next clean time milestones, etc.). I don’t have to use…just for today


OH, and in case I missed it, don’t pick up.  No matter what.

I am making sure I have clean underwear on tomorrow.  I still don’t think orange is my color, but thus far, have not been successful in petitioning the county jail to change the dress code.
I pray simply that I may continue to find this peace amidst it all – and more importantly, that I take the lessons to heart and learn to reach out and not try to maintain the façade that I’ve got it all under control.  One of my friends kindly pointed out to me that I shouldn’t play poker.  I have to stop pretending it’s all good, take time to sense what’s going on inside and share with others as I uncover things.
End of processing.
Now I lay me down to sleep.


Sleepless in Recovery

Here we are again.

Can’t fall asleep. Can’t get comfortable. Tossing and turning, I end up with few hours of deep rest. I get edgy and have mood swings during the day. Fun stuff. Recovery.

Oft times I blame the late evening coffee at meetings. Or the fact that I’m sleeping in a strange bed, not mine…in a house that’s not mine…alone without my dogs…alone.

But after a couple nights of false accusations against Folgers, I remember what’s going on.

The feelings are back. 14 days clean. They’re here!

Reality is edging back as the numbing stops, the escaping ceases.

It’s good. I don’t have to run. I don’t have to use no matter what.

But it still hurts.

I can admit that.

I’m not going to be swept over by so much bottled up pain and emotion.

My god is bigger than that.

I just need to stay in the pain long enough to work through it. Long enough to find healing.

I’m not alone.

It just feels that way. Right now.

No cake. No hugs. No smiles.

Just me.

The darkness. The tears. The bad dreams. Waking up in tears sobbing–sometimes remembering the dream, more often not. Waking up in a hot sweat.

I know I don’t have to use
I know I don’t have to use
I know I don’t have to use

I want to

But I don’t have to.
I don’t want to. That’s not me.
That’s the addiction.
That’s the pain.

They didn’t promise it would be easy.
They didn’t promise it wouldn’t hurt.
They just told me I never have to use again.

As much as I want the sex.
The cute boys.
The high.
The meth.

I want life more.
The outer circle.
The nephews and niece.
The playtime on the swings
Or in the pool.

Its worth it
I know

It just hurts right now.

And I’m alone.
Not really.
It just feels that way.

I don’t have to use.

Just for today.