Embracing Option B: A Fresh Perspective on Loss, Adversity & Change


Something clicked for me last month. It was a combination of conversations, experiences and ultimately, coming across a book in the airport. It’s all given me a fresh perspective on how I’m living life today – and facing the future. That fresh perspective is bringing about greater confidence, hope and inspiration.

A year ago, I made a decision and commitment to pursue my passion for photography as a business, with the goal of being profitable in 2-3 years. As I’ve shared before, that is a big step for me – and a big departure from the first half of my life, where I spent my working time in corporate America. But even with that decision, I’ve struggled to see this step as anything other than a step down – something less than – not as good as – my “first option” – the career path my education and early choices led me into.

It’s also been hard to fully embrace this path because it comes on the heals of a significant loss and setback in my life in 2010, when I lost everything I had been building, because of my addiction. Even though the loss came because I got into recovery and started dealing with the underlying issues that led to my addictive behavior, it has been hard at times to fully accept the loss and change as healthy and in a better direction overall for me. I know it sounds crazy. But in addition to losing a well-paying job, house, and friends – I lost much of my identity, because it was largely wrapped up in my career – and the material things and money!

This journey I’ve been on since 2010 has been about rediscovering who I am, what I believe and how and where I find my identity and purpose in life. And although it came from a dark time of great loss, I can already see that I’m not just getting by, or surviving in this new way of living – but I’m actually growing as a result. This became even more clear as I read Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy.

In her book, Sheryl Sandberg shares how she deals with the unexpected and sudden death of her husband. She “combines her personal insights…on finding strength in the face of adversity.” She shares the moment of truth she faced just weeks after losing Dave:

“Option A is not available. So let’s kick the shit out of Option B.” Live is never perfect. We all live some form of Option B. This book is to help us all kick the shout of of it.

She shares a lot of amazing research and studies, along with her personal insight. Some of the highlights for me are (with credit going to Option B, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant):

  • How people deal with setbacks:  personalization (the belief that we are at fault), pervasivenss (the belief that an event will affect all areas of our lives) and permanence (the belief that the after shocks of the event will last forever.)  from research by Martin Seligman
  • As psychologists have studied people who have endured all kinds of trauma, they most focused on two possible outcomes of trauma: those who struggle, developing PTSD, depression and anxiety or had difficulty functioning or those who are resilient, bouncing back to their state before the trauma. More recently, research has revealed a third possibility: those who are resilient, bouncing forward, finding post-traumatic growth. This manifests itself in five ways:
    • finding personal strength
    • gaining appreciation
    • forming deeper relationships
    • discovering more meaning in life
    • seeing new possibilities
  • Parents can build resilience in their children through opportunities and relationships – with a focus on four core beliefs:
    • we have some control over our lives
    • we can learn from failure
    • we matter as human beings
    • we have real strengths to rely on and share

As I reflect on my journey and how this concept of an “Option B” plays out, I can more confidently each of these elements at play.

I have been guilty of the “three P’s” as Sheryl calls them. Her insights and tips have helped me already reframe thoughts that come to mind about my situation.

I can also see where I’ve been stuck in PTSD mode – perhaps hoping to “get back to where I was.” But, I now see that where I was was still unhealthy, steeped in addiction, lack of connection or community, and unresolved loss back to my childhood. Now I see a third possibility – and know more clearly that this last year of so has been about taking steps towards “post-traumatic growth,” seeing possibilities in all the areas Sheryl mentioned.

I’ve also added these new “core beliefs” to my earlier post, where I’m collecting beliefs as I work through this journey of rediscovery.

So, this book not only gave me tools and insights I was missing before, it underscored the work I’m already doing! and helped me frame where I am in a new, fresh light. So, thank you universe – and thank you Sheryl Sandberg! To learn more, I encourage you to read her book, and check out her Facebook Groups related to Option B (which is also the name of a non-profit she started, with all of the proceeds from her book being used to support this broader effort of finding post-traumatic growth.)

This I Believe…


Several years ago, I was given a gift for my birthday. It was a CD collection titled “This I Believe.” It was a collection of stories taken from the NPR radio series by the same name. The stories were from people from all walks of life – some famous, some not so famous, older, younger, etc.. The individuals talked about their personal beliefs – and often, why they had come to have these beliefs. Sometimes these beliefs stemmed from the influence of a parent or grand-parent, or mentor, or friend. Sometimes, they came through personal experience – the ups and downs of life. It was a fascinating collection of stories – and was a joy to listen to on road trips.

Having recently turned 49, and facing a new milestone birthday in about 11 months, I’ve been giving a lot of thought, airtime and therapy time to better understanding my beliefs. I’ve learned about CBT (cognitive behavorial therapy) – a tool a friend of mine discovered through his own early recovery during a month-long in-patient program he checked himself into for his own mental health. I’ve realized how much my unconscious (and sometimes conscious) thoughts stem from deep-seated beliefs – and how those thoughts can drive my feelings. I used to think, quite honestly, that this “cause and effect” relationship was bullshit. I had probably been burned enough in my past about the role of feelings – or shall I say, never really came to understand what I believe about the role of feelings. Instead, I took what my “pastoral leaders” in a Christian cult said during my college years as “gospel.”  Well, that fucked me up for a long time! More recently, I spent time in a 12 step program, where feelings and their role in addiction was drilled into me for years. And, I’ll admit that they were probably closer to what I now have come to believe – but even there, I couldn’t fully embrace their way of thinking.  And, in my black and white mind, it was all or nothing – they were right, or they were wrong.

So, my world is little more grey these days.

And my world is a little less clear these days.

And my beliefs are a little more in flux these days.

And all of these statements are ok with me these days.  I’m ok with not knowing – or believing I know or understand – it will. Just writing that stands out as both arrogant, ignorant, and unrealistic.

What I believe is what I believe – and it seems to make more sense to figure that out for myself, rather than take someone else’s doctrine as “gospel.”

What I believe may also change – as I learn more information, have new experiences,  interact with other world views – and that seems to make more sense, than accepting some static, infallible set of beliefs.  Has my 49 years on this earth not shown that life is about change – that change is healthy – and that growth comes through experience, uncertainty and struggle.  It also comes through the loving support of others, and the insight and experience of others. But ultimately, I have one person to answer to – one image in the mirror looking back at me.  And for that understanding, I’m grateful.

So this is me reengaging with my blog, as I take pen to paper and tell more of my story.

This I believe…

Stay tuned for more!

 

Sta

Top 10 things I learned at a nudist colony


My fiancé and I just spent a week at a nudist colony. Having grown up in a Puritanistic society, I’ve grown up with that society’s rules, stigma and shame about the naked body.

B has opened my eyes to many mindful practices, including the freedom, body awareness and self-love associated with naturist practices. This was a first for both of us – spending a week at a gated community & resort for fellow nudists.

My reflections from our week include:

  1. Pan is the new bi
  2. The only thing you really need to pack is sunscreen – truly!
  3. Fake boobs look weird, just saying (granted, I’m not a boob man…)
  4. Not all nudists are naturists
  5. Naked transsexuals are beautiful too
  6. Spinning poi naked can be a little more dangerous
  7. Nudism isn’t about sex – but keeping it real, the two sometimes co-exist (just saying)
  8. Men generally do know how to give better head, from the observations I was able to make
  9. Being a nudist or naturist doesn’t always translate into open minded or gay-friendly
  10. The human body is beautiful, in all of its shapes and sizes; and the eyes are still windows to the soul

And my favorite “live life better” quote, from Dragonfly and Eric, is “Don’t yuk on someone else’s yum.”  @pureorgasmlove

Words to live by…